They don’t depend on your frame of mind. They just are.The upshot is I decided to quit being angry. There’s no sense in being angry at myself for being unable to do the impossible. I’m happier. My problems still suck but I don’t feel a maelstrom tearing me apart. I can focus on healing and if that’s not possible I can focus on enjoying what time I have left as me.This last week I discovered CBD. I knew about it, but hadn’t tried it until my friend who’s a shrink talked me into it. Us former law enforcement/security types have an aversion to it. I was in a moderate Aphasia phase which means I could only speak in two to three word sentences and was having to use an electronic speech device. An app called “Help Talk” It’s free on Android. It’s really useful and also features a panic button that can send a message with a map and GPS location to a caregiver to come and get you if you need help. Within 45 seconds of taking it I was speaking normally! I was stoked! Within 20 minutes,. John and Mandy had put me through the wringer today and he just stood there and told me it was my fault that they were upset.“Well she’s got more than I have then.” I said quietly and turned back to the stairs.That night I was haunted by Mandy in my dreams. I saw her standing at the bar, her slim body with it’s cute butt drawing my gaze. Her shy smile as her eyes looked down at the table, her cheerful grin when she turned up at the shop, but most of all was that tender caress to the back of my hand as she spoke to me.I woke up in the morning feeling groggy and un-refreshed, and for the first time ever I felt a touch of loneliness at waking up in an empty bed.Pulling myself together I got up and showered and dressed. In the kitchen I sat at the table again with my head in my hands while my coffee cooled.I had behaved badly last night I realised. The poor girl hadn’t hurt me, she had just let me know how she had felt with a quiet dignity. I panicked, that was the truth of the matter. I.
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